The small contingent of blogg…uh, new medians… uh, Web nerds trickled into the Cricket Club one-by-scurvy-one last night. Our mission was simple. Infiltrate the “Politics With A Punch” panel and ask Harry Shearer politely to be the keynote speaker at this year’s Rising Tide Conference. In attendance were a Rogues Gallery of bloggers: Jeffrey, Erster, Karen, Dedra, myself(w/ Romy) and DSB. We were seated at a small card table surrounded by 6-foot rounds with “reserved” signs all over them. Political propaganda was strewn about displaying some of the best aesthetician work in GNO. A woman with large, prominent breasts, moved about the crowd.

Jeffrey, Romy and I were seated with the WGSO people and they were all nice folks.

Jeffrey and I were lamenting the lukewarm Heinekens and discussing our “Borat” type plan-B if Shearer denied us when it was noticed the intrepid Erster had already roped Shearer in to convo. I saw that the move was being made and stood up to deliver the only prepared statement I had to endear him to our camp.

“I just learned that you were the original Eddie Haskell in “Leave it to Beaver,” I said.

“Yes, yes,” he replied.

“Proof that not all child stars…” I started.
“…grow up to be fucked up?” he answered.

We laughed and then I sat down and just left Erster to do the dirty work. Some capo regime I am eh?

So we got a definite maybe from Shearer. Seems he has something else going on that weekend. Some sort of democratic national convention or something. Harry, if you are reading this, I still have your prize for being awarded “Official ‘Harry’ of New Orleans” and would love to give it to you at Rising Tide.

After being admonished by Stephen Sabludowsky for talking too much and being told “don’t speak” during the panel and not to record anything, the show was set to get under way. In describing Sabludowski I can only say he has the good looks of a homeless Harry Dean Stanton and the shining charisma of a heavily medicated Joe McCarthy.

The show was started and Jeff Crouere did his best Jay Leno monologue and I contemplated tossing the lemon from my cocktail on stage in some sort of gesture. The panel included Lee Balinas, Larry Beron, Jimmy Farenholtz (Hey! Need a Web site?), John LaBruzzo, Shearer, Kenya Smith (Hey! Need a Web site?) and Rachel Wulff (who Romy commented was giving off some serious Jane Curtain “Weekend Update” vibes).

What followed was like some sort of roast where instead of Ronald Reagan or Jackie Gleason being sent up it was the citizens and peoples of greater New Orleans. At one point, someone mentioned the ongoing Ahley Terry incident and Beron stated it wasn’t a funny subject and I though to myself, “none of this is a funny subject.”

Jeffrey was literally writhing in his chair, presumably from the pseudo-snarkiness of it all.

Speaking of writhing, LaBruzzo was really taking heat. You know it’s bad when the host has to garner applause for him by lauding him for simply showing up for the skewering. The pay raise deal already had folks fired up and then he proposed more offshore drilling and never really found his way into the crowd’s good graces. Hey John, the common folk don’t want more drilling no matter what revenues it is purported to bring. The reason why is because no one believes there will be any revenues left to trickling down to us common folk. So while politicians may love the idea, us Japanese two-door folks would rather just have alternatives. Since, as we all know, oil is a finite resource and we have been on its tit for too long. And hey, it’s not like we even have to come up with an alternative, let’s not burn through what we have left at such a retarded rate.

Anyway, a few more details were discussed and then it was turned over to the crowd for short questions. I was pretty fired up by this time but couldn’t think of anything witty to say to keep with the supposed biting and sly tone of the event. See, whenever I talk about politics, it always leads to me accusing them of being corrupt and then I start babbling about guillotines and new calenders and then I lose focus.

A lady appropriately named Margarita who I could only describe as being some sort of Charro Gabor got up, lamented that she set her hat on fire earlier in the evening among some other sort of sloshed rhetoric. This was actually the funniest moment of the night.

Discussion returned to the panel where each person was allowed an “outrage of the month.” Kenya Smith’s was “citizen complacency” which prompted a verbal outburst from Karen. As we were leaving, we ended up asking Smith what exactly he meant by that and he stated he would rather people come out and get involved in any way rather than sit at home and ignore everything. I thought to myself, “He must mean like pouring tea into the harbor, storming the prisons and shipping the leaders off to Siberia!” But come to find out he just meant get out and vote. It occurs to me that citizen complacency is probably what allows crooked politicians to perpetrate all their deeds and, since I am of the school that they are all crooked, one must eye with suspicion any challengers who wish for the folks to be more involved. I’m watching you Kenya Smith.

For tricksters like myself and the rest of the bloggers, the night was rife with material. It was quite fun to observe the entire scene. I might even go again now that I have a $5 off coupon from the program. I do think it could be included by allowing more audience participation. A few times I wanted to holler out like they do on those rough days in Congress but since I was told “Don’t speak” by Sabludowski, I submitted to the wishes of the organizers. But it would be more fun if we could cut through some of the bullshit and get to what the people really want to say instead of some haphazard q&a at the end.

Below is a list of several Nola.com front pages. Each reporting on the condition of Causeway traffic each morning. Note that never is the traffic bad and sometimes the morning report lasts well into the day. The worst case being the last in which the traffic was reported as clear at 7:24 a.m. and the headline remained until 2:38 p.m. when itwas of benefit benefit to no one confined to the first three dimensions.

One day I will start a site called “Worst of Craigslist.” Until then, it will just have to be a recurring post here. All that aside, check this ad for someone named “aloofgypsy” pedaling their “edditing and videogropher” wares…

No you need an Edditor or Videogropher? (tv/film)
Reply to: aloofgypsy@XXXXXXXX.com
Date: 2008-07-08, 3:31PM CDT

If you have footage that needs editing or an event that you need recorded and/or edited, get in touch with me.
I am currently in college to fine tune this craft which is great for you, my rates are super low yet, the quality of work is very professional. If you are interested in any way, drop me an email.

… pay raise zeolats:

Sabludowsky confirms that Jindal traded pay raises for vouchers

A most awesome “Worn Again” photo set is here courtesy of Miss Malaprop. Please click through and check the whole set. Previews of my favs are below…

…it’s only 10:09 a.m. but this is the funniest thing I’ve seen so far.

c-ray-loves-someone-else-taking-heat

Thanks Clay!

Hey CNN!

Varg here!

Hey, now that oil is the highest it has ever been, you don’t have to continue writing stories about it reaching “a new high.” See, after it eclipses the highest it has ever been, each increment after that is a “new high.” So please spare us the inevitable “Oil reaches $143 a barrel for the first time ever” headline that I am sure is lurking somewhere in the fourth dimension.

Need a story idea? Check this…

Billions for Katrina recovery awaits president’s signature

Ya heard?

Varg

P.S. I’m posting this letter and your response on my blog.

I know a few posts back I said I was for the pay raises. Now, this may seem a little confusing but I am pro recalling any Congressmen who voted themselves a pay raise. Reason? I am always for a recall. The more recalls, impeachments and resignations the better. Let the heads roll I say! Oh, and let’s come up with a new calender too!

Oh yea, the story…

Metairie Republican first in state targeted for recall effort, officials say

Lord, I hate lists. I hate ranking. I know we live in a capitalist society and it is inevitable that things get placed in order from “best” to “not quite the best.” I understand the point of recognizing a group for their achievements but, once ranks enter the picture the whole thing because snarky. You’re asking for trouble. Number 18 is fine until someone looks at number 17 and says, “Oh Jesus, we placed behind them?”

A good way to avoid this is to make a list and write across the top, “In No Particular Order.” That way, all the listees are celebrated and united, not divided.

If you were British, you may ask yourself, “What’s he on about?” And I would then point you to this:

Gambit Weekly’s Top 50 Bars

And the reason I’m all upset is that my personal favorite bar in New Orleans (and perhaps the whole damn World) was noticeably absent from the top 5, then I saw it wasn’t among the first quarter of the bars listed, then I got on through the back half of the article and still did not see it. I had to go through 49/50ths of the list before I found it…

50. Molly’s at the Market
1107 Decatur St., 525-5169

At first glance, Molly’s looks like a prototypical Irish tavern, with its worn wooden tables, tall bar stools and requisite 30-plus years of memorabilia decorating the walls. But owner Jim Monagahan Jr. has turned this Decatur Street stalwart into a destination location for revelers of all types during Halloween, Mardi Gras and, of course, St. Patrick’s Day, as well as a late-night rendezvous for hipsters and their ilk after catching a show downtown.

There she was in some sort of statement-making rank at 50. One might say fiftieth best bar in New Orleans. One might say dead last among New Orleans’ best bars.

There once was a time when I wasn’t some crazy/free thinking, partially self-employed blogger and folk artist living in a local neighborhood that used to be called “Slaughterhouse Point.” Back in the early-to-mid ’90s, picture me as a bewildered visitor of New Orleans, her out-of-town boyfriend. I hailed from a place Rolling Stone once called “The most conservative city in America.” People from New Orleans call it beautiful, I called it Hell, most know it as Pensacola.

My friends and I would roll into New Orleans in Japanese two-door cars and head straight for Bourbon street where our fake IDs were useless because no one ever asked for them. We stayed four and five deep in a little motel off Tulane called the Rose Inn and it usually cost us around $30.

It didn’t take us long to discover that there was more fun happening at the end of Bourbon Street than at its front and then as a few years went by and we became more of age we ended up abandoning that part of the Quarter all-together. What drew us away from Bourbon street was refinement and Molly’s at the Market.

The bar introduced us to Lower Decatur which in turn was a corridor into the Marigny and Bywater and all the treasures within them. Many nights we would traipse back and forth between those neighborhoods, in and out of music clubs along the way.

I became so enraptured with New Orleans, we decided to move in together. I escaped Pensacola in ‘97 and moved into a place Uptown. Though there were plenty of bars with people my age around my General Pershing St. apartment but I insisted on riding the streetcar to Canal St. and walking the dozen or so French Quarter blocks to Molly’s and Lower Decatur.

When I moved to California, it was my first stop when I visited. It was the first place I brought friends and my future wife.

Sure, when I moved back and lived on Bayou St. John I could be seen at Pals Lounge (#42 on Gambit’s list). Yes, I have since moved over to the Point and can sometimes be found having a Boddingtons at the Crown and Anchor (not on the list), but Molly’s will always be held in higher regard.

This is just my story though. It has nothing to do with the staff at Gambit who made the list. It shouldn’t matter to them what some guy over in the Fourth District has tucked away in his synapses as it relates to a bar. So, I do have some points to make about Molly’s and its low placement on the list.

- Does The Bulldog (#26) have the ashes of two (nee’ three) people behind the bar? Or a coffin?
- Does the Polo Club (#19) have CDs on their jukebox that have been there for (at least) a decade?
- Did Pravda (#17) stay open throughout the second battle of New Orleans?
- Does French 75 (#10) have a cat mascot who has his own MySpace page?
- Is Cooter Brown’s (#5) a testament to both the fine craftsmanship of local wood sign makers / failed French Quarter businesses?

The (mostly) sweet bartenders, the black bathrooms, the free shot of Pepto Bismol on the bathroom sink, the numerous law enforcement badges, the glorious fruit of eavesdropping, the heckling of Margaritavillians, the great spots to lock your bike, the poetic alliteration of its name, the-several-times-an-hour playing of “Lust For Life” on the jukebox - it’s all part of Molly’s own lust for life.

I could go on and on.

Molly’s if I had a list (and as I stated up front, I don’t) you’d be number 1.

And Gambit, Jim Monoghan isn’t nice to me either.

—————————————

That said, the Gambit’s list is still pretty darn good and many of my favorites included on it. Such as…

Mimi’s (#1) - The few visits of mine were filled with glee. GLEE!

Napoleon House (#2) - Drinking there, I do not feel as though I am among ghosts, I feel I AM a ghost.

D.B.A. (#6) - Don’t just drink one type of beer and make sure you catch a show, the sound in there is as soulful as the tongue-and-groove it reverberates from. For a good example of this, catch John Boutte on Saturdays.

Rivershack Tavern (#8) - Over the River and up the levee from my place but worth the trip.

Old Point Bar (#11) - I’m a homer for this spot obviously. A superb music venue with a huge bar and it’s right up on the river. The fiancee and I like to go there on Sunday afternoons and sit serenely by the levee drinking cold ones. Late at night you can see the hook-ups happen before your very eyes.

Carousal Bar (#13) - My mom’s favorite bar. I must admit, it is fun when you can get a bar seat. Otherwise, keep walking.

Circle Bar (#22) - What’s it like to be hip but also unpretentious? Go to the Circle Bar and find out (at least the times I went). My kind of folks here.

Saturn Bar (#23) - I haven’t been since it was cleaned up but my friends say it’s still good. But oh man, back in the day there was really nothing like it. I have pals to this day that talk about it in very sensorial tones.

Markey’s (#28) - Great spot with strong drinks, cold, cold beer and (last time I was there) free pool.

Pal’s Lounge (#42) - See remarks above but also it’s a great place to snap photos of your friends. The art and wallpaper make it look like a true New Orleans haunt. Nice folks a great little bar game and good company. I’ll always love my Pals.

Carollton Station (#47) - Home of Romy Kaye some Saturdays! Beware of the Frat House across the street though. Meatheads and Girls Gone Wild everywhere! They’ll eat your brain!

Mayfair (#48) - Cozy atmosphere and chilled ambiance. I must say though, I have only been once but I still remember a man in there with a pink Polo shirt on with white, pleated shorts. It was as if he was playing a preppy for Halloween. Except it wasn’t close to any sort of holiday. If someone can let me know if this man and his crowd often frequent this place that would be awesome.

——————————

Below are bars on the list that would be great but are suffering from severe cases of Collera. That is an infestation that leaves the place crawling with loud, vapid, obnoxious, barely dressed girls and the drunk boys trying to screw them. They must be smart because they are seeking higher education but no form of the intelligence shows through. See the quarantine list below…

- The Columns (#15)
- St. Joes (#21)
- The Saint (#39)

It is said that in the summer months the infestation is less severe.

——————————————-

Noticeably absent from the list…

The Spotted Cat
The Crown and Anchor
Tony Seville’s Pirates’ Alley Cafe
Sugar Park Tavern
Avenue Pub

Arnie!

Hey! It’s Varg. I wrote ya a lil while back about the lights in front on Fischer homes. I just wanted to let you know that Romy and I drove past the development the other night and all the lights were back on. Tell HANO we said thanks!

Rejoice!

Varg

P.S.: I’m posting this on the blog. Sorry for the redundancy but privacy laws apply.

UPDATE: A kid was killed there today in broad daylight.