Wild Tchoupitoulas Wal-Mart

This post was preceded by a rather lengthy thread of Facebook postings on Louis Maistros page that was titled, “Louis Maistros has noticed the rules that apply in a fight to the death in Thunderdome are the same rules that apply while shopping at the Super Walmart on Tchoupitoulas St.”

The colloquial thread has been going on for a while now. There is a fervent intensity in the misery at this location. But don’t let me direct the narrative, read these online reviews and as you do, pay attention to the Biblical theme running throughout…

My experiences at this Wal-Mart store, are by far the worst of any Wal-Mart on God’s green earth. I usually hate Wal-Mart but I would rather starve to death than buy food here. … I despise this store and will never shop there again. I would leave zero stars if possible.?

Abandon All Hope Ye Who Enter Here??
Parking lot after dark? Bring a handgun! Uncaring, obese, rude and grunting workers populate the borderline intelligent “work”force here. To say that the “service” is horrible presumes that there is service at all. There isn’t. This particular Wal Mart was once the site of one of New Orleans’ worst housing projects (St. Thomas Homes) and even though the projects are gone the residents remain, to roam the parking lot and the dirty aisles littered with food eaten off of the shevles and abandoned drinks from the McDonalds located inside the store. On one visit we enjoyed a fist fight among cursing women customers at the check out line. On another we saw unattended kids entertaining themselves by emptying shelves of Xmas items onto the floors. Has to be one of the worst WalMart stores in North America. I only shop there during daylight hours and rarely when I absolutely have to. Otherwise: avoid at all costs!?

NASTY FILTHY DISTGUSTING !!!!!!!!!!!??
… Oh, I forgot to mention the freaks and geeks that frequent this crap hole. It is as if every carny on planet earth tramps through this god forsaken place !!!! …? Oh, I forgot to mention the freaks and geeks that frequent this crap hole. It is as if every carny on planet earth tramps through this god forsaken place !!!! Can you say White Trash ??

It’s like hell on earth!??
I’d rather remove my eyes with a spoon than shop again at that Wal-mart. It’s absolutely terrible. Good luck finding anything you’re looking for. I bit of advice, if you can’t find it on the shelves, maybe look on the floor in a different department. Nothing is organized and their is no one to help you find it!?

Are you ready for pain???
I have been to many a Wal-Mart in my time…in big cities, in small cities, in towns, in the middle of nowhere… This is, bar none, the WORST Wal-Mart ever. Good luck finding a cart that works (there are none). Bring an iPod, because the lines, even in offpeak times, average between 20-40 minutes. You will be harassed for potential stealing at the door. If you are a woman, you will be propositioned in the aisles by crazy men. All I can say is: Are you ready for pain??

Retail Therapy?…??
… This isn’t just about long lines you see, this is about mania ensuing while you try to shop for products that all seem a little iffy to begin with… … Having to get your own cart from the parking lot, because their will be NONE, and I mean NONE inside. There is a Graveyard of bootleg carts at the entryway, BEWARE, they are all bootleg, and they will only move about three feet before getting stuck. If you own your own shopping cart, you are in a good place ( this might be a very special time in life where the homeless have got one up on us tax paying folk.) – Do not even dare to have a sweet conversation with the cashiers. If they want to talk, they will initiate, otherwise, don’t bother. You will feel like and idiot for trying to have a conversation about potting soil with someone who is nearly as determined as an exotic dancer when it comes to tuning out the present. -They selection is rubbish. One day they will have Parsley, the next Cilantro. It’s almost like these two standard herbs are taking turns, playing tag team. If you are ever so bold to ask if an item not on the self is in the back, do not hold your breath. The said process will kill you. … you should try not to look at the children in the store. … If you work for any kind of child protective services, I would advise you send a squad to patrol the store as often as your budget allows. …The credit card machines crash often, leaving both cashless, card-brandishing uptowners, and food stamp users furious enough to start a riot. … If you are an attractive woman, the cart guy(s)*** in the parking lot will try to pick you up. To avoid an awkward conversation, (regardless of any possible attraction to this rugged pack of men) explain that the Walmart parking lot is the last place on earth you want to be picked up. … There are usually 3 to 5 men bringing in the carts in a sophisticated buggy. Though, I don’t know where they take the carts, because they never seem to make it into the store. … Consumer’s beware: You might find a deal or two, and save yourself a good ten bucks, but the Lord of The Flies atmosphere will make you crazy enough to need expensive therapy. Don’t go often, and don’t go it alone.

I can’t find the actual review but I swear there was one n there where the person said when they left the store there was an ice cream truck on fire in the parking lot. That’s fucking fantastic!

You know all those horror novels and films that claim a place is haunted because it is built upon an Indian burial ground? The modern, socio-economic equivalent of that is a Wal-Mart built on a former notorious housing project. The spirits of inequity are still in the soil man!

How fitting is it that so many of the post titles refer to the store as a Hell or conjur images of Dante’s Inferno? People have lost all concept of that other Hell. They don’t grasp it any more than they understand Jupiter’s moon Io or the surface of Venus. This is the hell on Earth, something they can really wrap their brains around. This Hell we have willingly created and endure. It’s a consumer Hell of shabby, soulless products that not only are created with poorly-paid labor but also in developing countries that will one day rule us. We get shitty mirrors and can openers smothered in guilt because we know they were made by suffering workers in factories governed by countries who are secretly preying on us. That’s if the products themselves don’t kill us with their poisons or bankrupt us because they aren’t built to last, but to be replaced.

But wait, it’s worse. That’s the experience in any run-of-the-mill Wal-Mart, this is the Wild Tchoupitoulas Wal Mart, where there is a remolaude of New Orleans-style social aversion thickly layered over the whole experience. It’s the eye of the storm.

The entire scene is set behind flood walls and yards away from the Great Mississippi River, where every drop of blood, sweat, tears and piss from West New York to East Idaho flows past eventually. It all flows through us, literally, we drink that stuff. The entire city of New Orleans, the conscious of our great nation, the filthy child of Omelas, surrounds this center.

Stacy Head couldn’t help but make her commentary, she was compelled to by the spirits of the demolished Projects. Inside, the Uptowners who aren’t quite able to afford Whole Foods punish themselves by going to Wal-Mart. They hate themselves for not making more money, for not grasping that carrot dangling in front of their wagon. But the contempt can not be hidden. Everyone feels it. The poor, uneducated folks think Wal-Mart’s a party, time to cut the F up. Having dispensed with any sort of shame long ago, they treat it like some sort of Wednesdays at the Square. Time to see and, more importantly, be seen!

Of course let’s not forget that before it was built, there was a group of folks who didn’t want it to be there in the first place. Now we see what they were on about.

In a mostly unrelated footnote, I heard a rumor that this Wal-Mart was going to close because it was losing so much money due to theft. But it wasn’t consumer theft, it was from the employees. That’s monumental right there. Can you imagine a heralded location of America’s largest corporation being felled by employee pilferage? But, it was just a rumor I am sure.

– In the interest of fairness, I too go to this Wal-Mart several times a year for Krylon spray paints. The reason is because they are so much cheaper there. But I do try to go to the Behrman Highway location. I also recommend this location to anyone who want to avoid the Tchoup shop. It’s the next closest. Don’t fear the West Bank, it’s got lots of trees. You can see them from the bridge.