The Lupinization of News

Excerpts from several recent Times-Picayune story quotes if they had been uttered with the same colorful language employed by Vieux Carre Commission chairman Ralph Lupin:

Edit: Out of consideration for those who were satirically misquoted in this post, I am changing the whole names in the Lupinized versions. I don’t want foul language popping up when folks Google these names. That could screw something up.
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Original
“I just cannot believe this,” said Oak Harbor resident Sandy Faucheux, a leader in a months-long fight to close the 310 Howze Beach Road facility owned by businessman Chris Jean. “This is an absolute travesty against the people of St. Tammany Parish. . . . They have absolutely no respect for the people’s health and welfare and no respect for the wishes of the public or their quality of life.”

Lupinized
“This is bullshit,” said Oak Harbor resident Sandy F******x, a leader in a months-long fight to close the 310 Howze Beach Road facility owned by businessman Chris Jean. “This is an absolute travesty against the people of St. Tammany Parish. . . . They don’t give a good God damn about the people’s health and welfare and absolutely no fucking respect for the wishes of the public or their quality of life.”

From: Slidell landfill to stay open

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Original
A fuming Councilman Joe “Coach” Thomas, who represents the area where the landfill is located, declined to comment. “You don’t want to hear my . . . comment,” he said.

Lupinized
A fuming Councilman Joe “Coach” T****s, who represents the area where the landfill is located, declined to comment. “You don’t want to hear my . . . comment,” he said before shouting, “wait a minute! Yes you do! FUCK that stinking-ass shit!!!”

From: Slidell landfill to stay open

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Original:
“It is not big, and I hope you guys put that message in the paper: that we don’t have a rich history of completing projects,” he said. “It’s very important for this to be a small-type program.”

Lupinized:
“It is not big, and I hope you bastards put that message in the paper: that we don’t have a rich history of completing projects,” he said. “It’s very important for this to be a small-type program.”

From: N.O. post-K blueprint unveiled

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Original:
“Basically, the letters were MIA, as well as any communication that there was a change,” Findley said. “That’s just unacceptable in these times.”

Lupinized:
“Basically, the letters were MIA, as well as any communication that there was a change,” Findley said. “That’s just un-fucking-acceptable in these times.”

From: The checks aren’t in the mail

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Original:
“It’s making it tremendously hard to continue the culture,” Jackson said.

Lupinized:
“It’s making it tremendously hard to continue the culture and that’s real fucked up,” Jackson said.

From: Permit fees raining on second-line parades

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Original:
“If we get in a cat fight with some of these communities and it doesn’t look like it’s going to go, they’re going to come off the list,” Blakely said. “If we spend a little bit here, a little bit there, it’s going to look junky. We should do a few things in a classy way.”

Lupinized:
“If we get in a shitstorm with some of these communities and it doesn’t look like it’s going to go, they’re going to come off the list,” Blakely said. “If we spend a little bit here, a little bit there, it’s going to look fucked up. We should do a few things in a classy way.”

From: City to unveil targets for redevelopment
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Original:
“Nobody’s complained about the strategy,” he said.

Lupinized:
“Nobody’s bitched about it,” he said.

From: City to unveil targets for redevelopment

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Original:
“We need to do something to make this highway safer,” said Whittaker, who served as commander of Troop G near Shreveport for five years. “The main problem is aggressive drivers who pass on the shoulder, speed, tailgate and change lanes suddenly without signaling.”

Lupinized:
“We need to do something to make this highway safer,” said Whittaker, who served as commander of Troop G near Shreveport for five years. “The main problem is assholes who pass on the shoulder, speed, tailgate and change lanes suddenly without signaling.”

From: Motorists warned that I-12 stretch is deadly

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Original:
Howson said he almost walked out of the board’s first meeting when he learned he wouldn’t have a voice in so many matters. He called the measure “worthless, absolutely worthless.”

Lupinized:
Howson said he almost walked out of the board’s first meeting when he learned he wouldn’t have a voice in so many matters. He called the measure “total horseshit”

From: Levee districts want Legislature to tweak powers

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Original:
“We know this will be a tremendous economic boost as well as trying to move forward,” said Donald Babers, the HANO board chairman appointed by the Department of Housing and Urban Development, which runs the local housing agency.

Lupinized:
“The economy is going to blow the fuck up,” said Donald B****s, the HANO board chairman appointed by the Department of Housing and Urban Development, which runs the local housing agency.

From: Developers picked for revamping public housing

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Original:
“The most disappointing thing is there were no elected officials from the city of New Orleans there,” council Chairman Tom Capella said.

Lupinized:
“The most disappointing thing is there were none of those sunsabitches from the city of New Orleans there,” council Chairman Tom C*****a said.

From: Cracks appear in Jeff, N.O. pump truce