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I Grew Older 1999


Sometime between being pushed in my stroller on a hunt for pinecones and this very moment,

I grew older.

Sometime between then and now, I ceased to look through the rear-window of my parents Buick Riviera as dad's Camels flew out the window at 70mph and exploded on the asphalt at 1:30 in the morning through towns like Amarillo Texas. I can recall pretending dad's sticks were X-wing fighters exploding in space after being gunned down in their battle with the evil Galactic Empire. Now I can only think of why I should quit smoking as my own Camels shatter on the road in my rearveiwmirror.

Sex has become a way to rate a lover rather than something dreamed of and wondered about. I remember the first breast I felt and my premier French kiss. Masturbation has become something to joke about with the guys instead of some deep, dark secret. It is different now.

School has been replaced with work and expulsion means fired. Teachers are now supervisors. The weekend has become any two days off in a row and there is no summer vacation. Graduation equals retirement.

My Diamondback Silver-bullet has become a Honda Prelude and I was made to buy insurance for it. Accident results are no longer skinned knees. Now: multiple fractures.

My body has become something to care for. I have watched as my stomach grew fat and my face lost its "little boy look.” I wait for my hairline to recede and aches and pains never before experienced.

The ability to pretend is much weaker now. I have lost my desire for an adventure. GI Joe has little significance other than nostalgia. I watched "Red Dawn" the other day and it was corny.

Death, once strange and mysterious, is now routine. Gone are Thom, Roy and my darling Caroline. I walked in to get my haircut one day and my barber was deceased. I do not anymore blow off crippling disease or strokes. I have realized the fragility of life.

Now, I can look at youth around me and see beauty instead of wondering what the big deal is. I want to teach them things and warn them of what lies ahead. I don’t because I didn't listen so why should they?

I am closer to thirty-five than sixteen and halfway to fifty-two.

I have to find out on my own things my parents told me years ago.

Life keeps rolling and carrying me with it...